Leslie Pepper - Writer Columnist Editor

My daughter, Madeline, used to scream every morning before she got on the bus for school. School wasn’t the problem - - what sent her into hysterics at the bus stop was two furry pups, Bacci and Juliet. The dogs were always on their morning walk with their owners, wagging their tails, panting, eager for a scratch behind the ears. In other words, they were harmless. But Madeline was unconvinced. I felt for her, but I also found her fear frustrating. I’m not wild about dogs either, but what kind of threat did these friendly, fluffy pets really pose?
        Does your child have a fear that baffles you? Here’s what you should know.

Where fear comes from
Being scared of a specific thing or situation is actually normal in kids-in fact, we humans are hardwired to be afraid as a means of survival. "I think of fear as the internal security system we're all born with to help us recognize potentially dangerous situations," says Lane Tanner, M.D., associate director of the division of developmental and behavioral pediatrics at Children's Hospital and Research Center in Oakland. There's a reason that stranger anxiety, for example, crops up in infants around 7 to 9 months old: It helps them maintain a close proximity to their parents, which is necessary for them to thrive.
        Besides the innate fear they're born with, kids also learn caution from their parents. You tell your daughter not to play with matches or talk to strangers. As a result, she may become afraid of fire-or even Great-Aunt Fiona who's around only at the holidays. Preschoolers also pick up fears from specific events. After your son watches Shark Tale, he might suddenly be afraid to get in the pool with you. Experts say these fears are a normal and natural part of growing up. Your child should outgrow them in a few months.
        And then there are the fears that seem to come out of nowhere. These are often more challenging-and perplexing-to parents, says Tanner. "When my son turned 2, he became anxious about ocean waves," he says. "Even in the car, if he could see waves out the window, he got upset. We had no idea where his fear came from--we'd never had a bad experience with him at the beach."
        Yet even these out-of-the-blue fears are completely normal. "Between about 18 months and 3 years of age, kids are much more susceptible to irrational fears," says Tanner. "They're smart enough to perceive that the world includes forces that are out of their control, but they're not at a point where they can logically understand these forces." As a result, your son may be petrified to take a bath because he knows that water disappears down the drain and he's afraid he might just slip through it, too. The good news: Most children also get over this type of fear within a few months. In the meantime, there are things you can do to reassure your child and help him shed his anxiety more quickly.

How to calm a fear
Don't brush off your child's emotions. "I often hear parents say, 'Why is my child acting so afraid? It doesn't make sense,'" says Fred Penzel, Ph.D., a psychologist and executive director of Western Suffolk Psychological Services in Huntington, NY 'They try to minimize the situation by telling the child that his fear is nothing to worry about. That strategy usually backfires," he says.

But do use a matter-of-fact tone Acknowledging the fear is important, but "you don't want to go in the opposite direction and excessively reassure your child," says Alexandra Barzvi, Ph.D., clinical coordinator for the Institute of Anxiety and Mood Disorders at the New York University Child Study Center. "That sends the message that there is something to be afraid of."

Talk it out. That's what Christina Lerman of Brooklyn did after her 8-year-old daughter, Olivia, recently announced she didn't want to go on a family trip to Disney World. "I asked her why and she brought up the spinning teacup rides she'd seen at amusement parks," says Lerman. "Olivia is afraid of people throwing up, and I realized she was terrified that they were going to be puking everywhere at Disney World because of the rides." Lerman and her husband explained that Disney isn't like ordinary amusement parks-it has more theme rides than thrill rides. "And we told her that thousands of visitors go there every year. If everyone kept throwing up no one would go back!" Lerman says. By countering Olivia's misconceptions with concrete reasons why the worst wouldn't happen, her parents dispelled her fear. The family made its way down to see Mickey this past May. .

Help your child confront his fears. It's also critical that you not allow your child to avoid what scares him. "One thing we know for sure is that avoidance fuels fear," says Barzvi, "and the next time your child is faced with the same anxiety-provoking situation, he will remember he wasn't able to cope with it last time." To prevent your child's anxiety from becoming overblown, gradually bring him into more contact with the object of his fears. If your son is afraid of doctors, first read him an age-appropriate book about doctors. Then buy him a doctor's kit so he can play doctor on his own. Finally, visit your pediatrician's office one afternoon just to meet the assistants and nurses. After your child accomplishes each new step, praise him for doing such a good job. Also, you can help a child better deal on her own by arming her with coping skills. Teach your daughter to take deep breaths when she sees a bug or to keep a water bottle filled with "monster spray" by her bed, or a flashlight to make nighttime less scary.

Be a good role model. Your children will always look to you first for behavior cues. This is something I now realize I probably wasn't managing as well as I could have. Much as I've tried to hide it, I'm sure Madeline has sensed my own apprehension about dogs. Now I smile and pet the dogs when we see them at the bus stop.

If you find that your child's fears don't go away after a few months or that they intensity, see your pediatrician, who may refer you to a behavioral therapist. My own daughter-is getting less fearful each day. Recently, I took her to an even t featuring dogs that assist the handicapped. There were dozens of friendly canines around--and Madeline got to see firsthand how much dogs can really help people. She didn't seem frightened at all. And here I was thinking there was nothing I could do about her fear. Although I don't imagine she'll be begging for a dog of her own anytime soon, going to the bus stop is a heck of a lot easier now. She even petted Bacci the other day. As for me, I feel good knowing that there's no fear my kids and I can't handle-together.

SIDEBAR: When fears become phobias
If your child’s distress begins to keep her from taking part in everyday life, and she obsesses about it, her fear may have escalated to a phobia – defined as a fixed, overgrown, unrealistic fear. Early signs include being clingy, tearful, or oppositional when around the fear. Although phobias in children haven’t been investigated much, experts say they’re probably more common than we think. One recent study of young adolescents found that 22 percent of them had mild phobic symptoms. An example of a phobia: If your child doesn’t just hate the sight of bugs, but dreads leaving the house because she’s afraid she might see one. “That’s when you need to talk to your pediatrician about getting behavioral therapy,” says psychologist Alexandra Barzvi, Ph.D. “This extreme fear puts stress on your child and may not go away on its own. Left untreated, a child’s school performance may drop, her relationships with friends may become strained, and her self-esteem could be affected.” The most successful treatment is a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy, which draw out from your child what scares her and why, and behavior therapy, which slowly helps your child face her fears. First, she and the counselor may talk about what it is about bugs she doesn’t like == maybe she thinks they’re going to bite her or sting her. Then they’ll look at picture books about bugs together, then play with an ant farm, and finally actually even collect bugs. Although there’s really no way to prevent your child from developing a phobia, if you recognize one early on, your can usually eliminate it or reduce its intensity after a few months of therapy.

The Fear Factor